What's the big deal with pronouns?

By Joseph Rand

The kids at school call me Rand. Not Mr. Rand. Just, Rand. With colleagues, I tend to go by Joseph or Joe. My family has given me nicknames like Joey, Joe-Joe, Josephine, Joe-Bo, and probably the most memorable, Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy. At this point in my life I have racked up a lot of nicknames. And, as you can imagine, some evoke a stronger reaction than others.

Names and labels can either build trust or break it down. While my Grandfather didn’t mean any harm in calling me Josephine, it was never a name I liked. At 36 years old, I can still remember the negative reaction I had each time he used it. I associated that name with girls and female characteristics that I didn’t have, or at least didn’t think I had. I was a boy. Male. Even though it was a small thing, and the way my family showed love - through picking on each other - being called Josephine was like a tiny punch to my gut. Every single time.

Similar to nicknames, the pronouns we use can have a significant emotional impact on others. Pronouns are deeply connected to our identity. And our preferred pronouns, those we choose to have others use when referring to us, contain meaning, struggle, and connotation for people who feel different than what societal norms would label them. For example, just because someone identifies as male, doesn’t automatically mean they want to use he/him/his as pronouns. They may more closely identify with she/her/hers, or they/them/theirs, or something else.

In a previous blog post I talked about why it’s important to create safe spaces for LGBT youth. As a follow-up, let’s explore how the seemingly simple pronoun can make our out-of-school activities, like 4-H clubs, more or less welcoming to adolescents.

Ask for pronouns

While it might feel uncomfortable to initiate, it is vitally important to respect the gender identity of youth. In my experience, it is more uncomfortable for adults to answer this question than it is for young people. While many youth may identify with she/her/hers or he/him/his, there might be youth who choose “they” as a singular identifying pronoun.

Introducing pronouns is as simple as having youth indicate their preferences when introducing themselves to the group, or by placing pronouns on name tags. Another strategy might be to introduce the request for preferred pronouns at a meeting with adults or youth leaders first, and training them on the importance of using this strategy with other youth.

While trans youth most commonly indicate a pronoun different from the one you would assign, respecting youth’s identities helps educate all youth, and indicates that you value their self identification. Additionally, it helps them understand they are in a supportive and safe environment, and that you are a caring adult they can approach with questions and for advice.

Build Trust

It is especially important to follow through if a young person indicates a pronoun other than the one you would assign. Not using someone’s preferred pronoun is disrespectful. It’s like telling them “I don’t care about you” and “I know you better than you know yourself.” (Nadal, 2014)

We all screw up pronouns from time to time. In those situations, it’s important to apologize and move on using the correct ones. If you have forgotten someone’s preference, just ask them to remind you. “Tell me again what pronouns you prefer?” shows that, even if not perfect, you care and want to be trusted by the young people in your group.

Make it Routine

Don’t just ask at one meeting or event and assume you have the right answer forever. During adolescence, youth are exploring their identities (Erikson, 1980*). Just like they might change their hair color, get a piercing, a tattoo, migrate through different friend groups or change clothing styles, they might decide to use different pronouns.

It’s also important to note that your reaction to a new pronoun is important. Think about a time when you engaged in a major physical appearance change (piercing, hair color/cut), how did people's reactions affect you? By incorporating a strategy for honoring preferred pronouns into your routine, it becomes normal, and helps youth know that your group is a safe space where they are free to be themselves.

If you’d like to explore additional resources regarding pronouns, I recommend the following:

• Pronouns: A Resource for Educators (GLSEN)
• Gender Pronouns frequently asked questions (University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee)
• Mental Health of Transgender Youth: The Role of Family, School, and Community in Promoting Resilience (U of M Extension Center for Family Development Children, Youth & Family Consortium)

It’s hard to believe that something so small could mean so much. However, repeated affirmation of one’s identity through routines, safe spaces, and supportive relationships has lasting effects on youth exploring their identities. Building these strategies into out of school time programs, like 4-H, helps us move beyond just saying we are open to all youth, and through actions, helps them feel like we can be a positive safe space for youth development.

What other simple actions can youth workers use to help LGBT youth feel safe and welcome?

-- Joseph Rand, Extension educator

* Erikson EH. Identity and the life cycle. New York: Norton; 1946/1980. Ego development and historical change; pp. 17–50.

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