Youth are frustrated. Now what?

By Katie Ecklund

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When we see frustration emerging in youth programs, our instinct may be to rush over and problem solve or try to fix it. If a solution appears simple, solving it is even more tempting. But what if frustration was not a problem to be solved? What if instead, it was an opportunity?

Learning how to feel frustration and following it through to futility is the essence of adaptive learning. Yet more and more, the conveniences of modern life and our own discomfort with difficult emotions are robbing young people of this valuable learning opportunity. 

Frustration is not comfortable. It sometimes overlaps with anger, and can feel like a loss of control. But feeling frustration is important. It teaches us to notice what’s working and what isn’t, where we might need to let go, and where we might try looking in a new direction. Supporting youth as they feel frustration prepares them for a world where immediate solutions aren’t always provided for them.  

Youth programs can be powerful spaces for emotional learning. So how do we support young people as they work through frustration?

We can start by paying attention to their level of escalation. If the young person is fully escalated and seeing red, our primary focus must be safety. When emotions are intense, the part of their brain that can process solutions and think logically is not functioning. Attempts to talk through the situation could cause further escalation. This feeling is likely frightening and overwhelming for the young person, as well as the other youth participants, so keeping a calm presence as you manage safety needs is key. 

Once the young person is feeling calmer, or if you notice the frustration is just beginning to build, you’re in a great position to work through the emotion together. Here are some strategies you might try:

• Ask what they are feeling or share what you are noticing. Example: I noticed that your voice is getting louder and you’re looking a little tense. Can you tell me what’s happening?
• Normalize the feeling by helping them name it and validate it. For example, Yes, that looks frustrating, or, I understand, I would feel frustrated, too. And remind them, It’s okay to feel frustrated. 
• Offer to practice a regulation strategy, like 5-finger breathing, together. These should be skills you work on regularly when they’re calm, so it’s something they’re familiar with when they need it. It’s also helpful to use the skill yourself and invite the young person to join, rather than directing them to do it alone. Example, I’m going to take a couple deep breaths, do you want to do them with me?
• Ask open-ended questions to help them think through options. Example: What’s going well here? What isn’t? What are some other ideas we could try?

Above all else, it’s important to prioritize the relationship. Your effectiveness as a youth worker depends on the level of trust the young person has in you. Frustration is a vulnerable emotion and they need to know you are there to support them before they can allow themselves to lean in and work through it. 

What are some strategies you use to work through frustration? Are there other challenging emotions we can work with as learning opportunities?

-- Katie Ecklund
Extension educator

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